Marriage Counselling in Toronto

Don’t let Valentine’s Day pressure lead to a breakup

Details: Category: Blog; Created: Wednesday, 11 February 2015 00:31; Written by Tammy Laber

Some people feel really close to their partner in the days before Valentine’s Day, and enjoy finding ways to show that they care. But for many people, Valentine’s Day brings a lot of unwanted pressure.

If your relationship is not going well, February 14 may be an unwelcome reminder of the gap between what is – and what you wish could be. I seem to get several new couples every year right about this time, because the big push to celebrate their love reminds them of all the things they wish were different.

In fact, some people feel so strongly about not wanting to “fake it” that they break up right before Valentine’s Day, in order to avoid having to pretend.

Rather than going that route, think about how this could be the beginning of something different. If you and your partner have been sniping at each other lately, try writing a note about the things you LIKE about them, and encouraging them to do the same. That could be a better gift than the most expensive box of candy!

Another idea is to give each other some relationship IOUs good for the next three months, instead of doing everything in one day. For example, you might create an IOU for a back rub your partner can cash in when they need it, or an IOU for one breakfast in bed that you provide and clean up from. Maybe they would really like a couple of hours of your time watching the kids while they go see a friend. Perhaps the best gift would be a few minutes of your time really listening to what they have to say without interrupting.

Cards are great, but don’t just sign your name, write something meaningful. If things haven’t been going well, can you mention a time when they were great and say that you would like to be as close as you were then? Can you offer to go away together overnight? Can you commit to a few counselling sessions together with the goal of getting closer again?

Counselling isn’t a sign of failure, any more than going to the dentist for a cleaning is a sign you have been doing something wrong. Some of my couples are actually doing really well now, but still come every three months or so to keep things from ever deteriorating again.

What if Valentine’s Day were a reminder of all things that are good about your relationship, and an opportunity to start getting more of them?

Do you think your marriage was a mistake?

Details: Category: Blog; Created: Monday, 26 January 2015 22:00; Written by Tammy Laber

Couples-Toronto-Ontario-300x286.png - 9.95 kb Many couples who come to see me wonder if they made a big mistake getting married. They’re frustrated and hurt, and they don’t know how to deal with all the conflicts that keep flaring up. They wonder if they will ever trust each other and be emotionally or physically intimate again.

There are lots of steps we can take to help repair this situation, but three conditions will help the repair efforts to succeed. Here they are:

Condition 1: Repair attempts have a greater chance when each member of the couple knows how to be emotionally intimate. That means neither person has a deep-seated fear of closeness. Instead, they enjoy intimate emotional connection and miss it when it is not available. If each person has the capacity to be emotionally close with another, we have a much greater chance of rebuilding the closeness in the marriage.

Condition 2: Repair attempts also require commitment. When both people think the partnership is important, they are motivated to put in the necessary work to rebuild it.

Condition 3: Finally, the couple needs to be able to negotiate. They must be willing to learn how to put aside anger and the struggle for power so that they can resolve their differences and plan for the future together.

When these three conditions are met, we have fertile ground on which to plant. The new ways of doing things the couple will learn in counselling have a good chance to grow, and the marriage will likely flourish again.

Does that mean if all three conditions are not met right away, there is no hope? No, as long as people are willing to try, things can get better. If fact sometimes I am amazed at the difference I see in just a few sessions. At times, it does make sense for one or both of the partners to be in individual counselling for a while (to explore anger and fear, for example), so they can be ready to make breakthroughs as a couple.

Each case is different. What couples coming to me can be assured of is that I care, and that I will use all the experience and knowledge I have acquired on your behalf. I want you to feel your marriage was not a mistake, because now you know what to do to get the best out of your marriage.

Are you having a Blue Christmas?

Details: Category: Blog; Created: Wednesday, 24 December 2014 15:53; Written by Tammy Laber

Blue Christmas was a song long ago by the famous 1950s singer Elvis Presley, based on the idea that Christmas without a certain someone just wasn’t the same. But there are many reasons you might be having a blue Christmas.

• Are you alone in a strange city?
• Is your marriage in trouble?
• Are you worried about one or more of your children?
• Do you have a loved one who is very ill? Or is this a time of year that really makes you miss a loved one who has passed on?
• Do you worry that you will spend this New Year’s Eve alone, and wonder if you will always be single?
• Are you scared you will be laid off In the New Year? Are you employed, but hating your job and feeling despair?

There are many legitimate reasons for feeling sad at this time of year. Life isn’t always fair, and sometimes it asks us to adjust to a lot.

If you are having a Blue Christmas, try to remember:
It’s not every day that has the kinds of expectations we attach to Christmas and New Year’s Eve. You WILL get through this. Breathe, try to concentrate on the positives in your life, and just hang on.
Reach out to friends and even acquaintances. Sometimes an invitation will be happily granted. You just have to ask.

None of us knows what is just around the corner. If you look at not having what you want as an opportunity, you might surprise yourself.
• Maybe you would be happier in a new career field.
• Perhaps there are other friends who would suit you even better.
• Learning to let go of past failures opens you up for new successes.

It’s okay to feel sad. It’s also okay to “fake it ‘til you make it”, and join in where you are needed until you feel better. There are many charities that can use your help, and there is nothing like volunteering at a homeless shelter to remind you how your life is full of possibilities and opportunities. Or singing in a nursing home. Trust me, I know.
What can you do this year to help you keep your challenges in perspective?
I wish you all the best for this Christmas season and for the New Year. I will be working between Christmas and New Year’s, so if you need someone to talk with, please give me a call.