Marriage counselling in Toronto that gives you something to use from the first session.
Tammy Laber, RP. Sessions take place in her Danforth Village home office, or online across Ontario.
Most couples who call me have been having the same argument for a long time, in one form or another, and have quietly stopped expecting it to change. From inside a marriage, that can feel permanent. In my experience it is usually less fixed than it looks.
Tammy Laber, Registered Psychotherapist, in Danforth Village and online across Ontario. Call or text (416) 420-0440. If I don't pick up, I'm with a client, and I will get back to you as soon as I am free.
Tammy Laber, RP. Sessions take place in her Danforth Village home office, or online across Ontario.
Sessions$180 / 60 min
90 minutes by arrangement
First stepFree 15-min call
Before you commit to anything
HoursMon to Thu, Sat am
From nine, last start at six
Counselling since2009
Registered with the College since 2015
Why couples call
Most people wait too long, then call in a hurry.
The two commonest calls are soon after an affair has been discovered, or the year after a first or second baby. Empty nesters are third. Newly married couples usually arrive about housework or in-laws.
I have worked as a marriage counsellor in Toronto since 2009. Most of the calls I take are urgent by the time they come. An affair has been uncovered and one of you is extremely upset and the other is not much happier. Or the second baby has arrived, nobody has slept properly in months, and you are arguing about who did what. Or the children have gone and you've looked at each other and thought, have we drifted too far apart, and is this all there is?
None of those mean it's too late. But there is usually more to work with if you don't wait for the emergency.
01
After an affair
It has just come out, and the question is whether the marriage survives it. This is the most common reason I get a call asking how quickly I can see you.
02
After the first or second baby
No sleep, new roles, and a division of labour nobody agreed to. Very common, and very workable.
03
Empty nesters
The children have gone and the two of you are asking who you are without them, and whether this is how the next thirty years look.
04
Newly married
The first real disagreements have started, usually about housework, money or whose family gets which holiday.
05
When drinking is part of it
I work with couples where alcohol or cannabis is affecting the relationship. For other substances I will help you find the right person.
06
When one of you is already half out
Sometimes the word divorce has been said. I'll tell you honestly what I think there is to work with.
What couples actually argue about
After more than fifteen years of this, it comes down to five things.
Almost every couple who comes to me is arguing about one or more of these. What sits underneath are usually the same things, which are how the two of you handle conflict and what makes each of you feel loved.
Money
Debt, spending, who earns what, and who gets to decide.
Sex
Including infidelity and differences in desire.
Housework
Who does what, including the "invisible labour", and the resentment that builds when it feels uneven.
Parenting
How to nurture and discipline, and whether to have children at all when you disagree.
In-laws
Meddling in a wedding, in finances, or even a parent who expects to move in when one of you says no.
There are exceptions, but not many. And the presenting problem is rarely the whole problem. Sometimes I see that neither of you knows how to have a disagreement without it escalating, so that is what we start on, whatever you came in about.
Sex comes up more often than people expect. Couples regularly book about something else entirely and it becomes clear a few sessions in that this is the real issue. A gap in desire also stems, often enough, from one of you being quietly resentful about something that has nothing to do with the bedroom. That puts us straight back on communication and expectations.
When money is the thing, we go into it properly. Nothing on that list is off limits, and it is territory I am comfortable in. I am a psychotherapist rather than a certified financial adviser, so what I bring are general principles and a way of having the conversation that does not turn into a fight. Nothing I say is financial advice.
How the work goes
There is no set sequence, and I am not going to pretend there is.
The opening is much the same for most couples. After that, depending on your situation, there are several different ways we could go. Here is how it usually starts, three examples of how it might unfold from there, and what I have to draw on.
Whatever you bring gets first priority. There's no rule about what we're allowed to discuss and no programme I am working through in order. If something matters to either of you, we will talk about it.
How it usually starts
Before you book
A free 15-minute phone call
We work out whether my hours suit you, I explain how I work, and you get a sense of me before committing to anything. I also mention there's a cat on the premises, in case that matters to you.
Before the first session
An intake form, one each
I send it to both of you separately, because I want to hear what each of you thinks the main problem is without the other reading over your shoulder. Some people send me twenty pages and some send me one sentence, and that in itself tells me something.
The first session
Usually, if I had a magic wand
I will often open by asking each of you what one thing you would want changed in your marriage if I could simply change it. One of you talks, and then I cut across and give the other a turn. What we do with the answers depends entirely on what the answers are.
Three examples of where it might go from there
For example
If the arguing is the problem
Where the arguing itself is the real problem, we may start on conflict management and tone rather than on the subject you came in about, so you leave with something to practise rather than a verdict.
If you have arrived doing nothing but complaining, I may ask you to change the channel and tell me three things you still like about each other.
For example
If it points back to your family
If something in the way you describe each other suggests attachment issues, and a short test supports it, I am going to want to know what your family was like. Avoidant and anxious attachment create two different conversations. With avoidant attachment I am asking what closeness looked like growing up. With anxious attachment I am more likely to be asking why you feel insecure and what led to you holding on so tightly.
Attachment is not the only reason I might ask about your family, and plenty of couples never take this route at all.
For example
If the anger is sitting on something
A lot of people present as furious. Underneath intense anger there is often a sense of betrayal, and underneath that, sadness and pain. Part of the work can be getting the softer thing said out loud. Not yelling and name-calling, but "I hurt so much, this isn't what I thought it would be, I feel abandoned".
Said quietly, that lands differently. Sometimes the other one softens and becomes willing to shift.
What I may draw on
Short online testsThere are a couple of free ones I use a lot, one on personality, and one on attachment style, which forms in early childhood and shapes how you handle closeness now. I often send them early, spaced apart so you are not overloaded, though whether they come into it at all depends on what I am seeing.
An active listening exerciseA formal structure for hearing each other properly. It looks mechanical written down, and that is rather the point.
Sessions with each of you on your ownIf the conflict is very high, or I am not sure either of you is saying everything in front of the other, I may ask for one session with each of you before we meet all together again. With some couples I never do this.
Practical work on the presenting problemGeneral principles for handling money together, a workable division of labour, a way to disagree about the children without it becoming a proxy war.
Sessions usually start weekly and then stretch out to every two weeks, then every three, then monthly, as things get easier. Some couples settle at monthly for a long stretch. Some are still checking in every couple of months years later, and that is a perfectly good outcome.
You will usually know when you are finished, and so will I. I arrive at a session and think I'm not sure what we're going to talk about today, because you are happy. The mood in the room has lifted, and sometimes you are visibly more affectionate than you were when we began our work.
The other ending is that you decide you have gone too far to come back. If that is where it lands, I will say so honestly, and I can help with the first few weeks of separating. An interim parenting plan to hold things together until you get in to see a family lawyer, and how to tell the children, which matters more than most people realise.
History and tools
I will not spend your first three sessions only taking a history.
Some couples arrive braced for two or three sessions of nothing but the past, and worried they will leave the first one with nothing to use. I'd rather you didn't have that experience with me. I get enough from the intake form and the phone call to be useful to you straight away, and if neither of you has ever been taught a formal way to manage conflict, that alone will usually help, and it can help quickly.
I do not need to know that your father left when you were six in order to teach you conflict management.
That is not to say it does not matter that your father left when you were six. It matters a great deal, and we will get to it. Taking a proper history is part of the job and I do not neglect it, because it is also how the deeper issues come to the surface.
It's no good if we run ten sessions and only then find out that one of your parents was an alcoholic, when that was quietly shaping everything else the whole time.
So the work runs on two tracks at once. Enough history to understand the two of you properly, and enough of the here and now that you go home with something you can actually use. Conflict management, active listening, practical ground rules for money if money is your big one.
Here is one reason the history earns its place. The marriage you grew up watching becomes your automatic template unless you consciously choose something else. If your parents fought and then repaired, you expect that. If they fought and then went silent for three days, you may be expecting that instead without ever having decided to.
The two hard parts
What you tell me, and the one who did not want to come.
Couples work has two problems that individual therapy does not. I will tell you where I stand on both before you book, rather than after.
What you tell me privately
I keep confidentiality. I also say at the start that I am here for the good of the marriage, so please try not to ask me to hold on to big secrets, because I'd far rather find a gentle way of bringing something into the room than carry it for you. If I'm ever uncomfortable holding something, I will tell you I am uncomfortable and ask what the two of us can do about it.
When I see the two of you separately, it is so each of you can speak freely. What travels back into the joint session is the weight of what you said rather than your actual words. If you tell me on your own that you would have been gone years ago were it not for the children, what your partner hears from me is that you have come to the end of your rope in a lot of ways and you need something to change. The message gets through. It just arrives in a form the two of you can work with.
If one of you was dragged here
It happens often, and it's usually survivable. I give that person plenty of room to say why they did not want to come, and I will sometimes see them alone to hear it properly. What often changes their mind is working out that I am not the other one's ally.
Occasionally it does not work, and someone decides they are finished. If your partner will not come at all, I will often carry on with you alone. One person can still shift a marriage. Think of a mobile hanging over a cot. Pull one piece and everything else moves too. It's less efficient with just one of you, but it is not nothing.
Not sure whether any of this fits your situation?
Call and ask. I'd rather have a short conversation with you than have you try to work it out from a web page.
The Toronto couples I see, and who I am not right for.
Roughly as many men as women make the first call, which surprises people. I work with all kinds of couples, including same-sex couples. I see clients aged sixteen and over, and I provide psychotherapy to clients in Ontario, with coaching available more widely.
When I will say no
Sometimes after a first session it is clear this will not work. If the two of you are so hostile in front of me that neither of you can get a sentence out and neither can I, and it seems like the purpose of the hour is to punish each other rather than to change anything, then I am not providing therapy. I am witnessing abuse, and I will say so.
You can be angry in my office. You can say you are fed up. What you cannot do is spend the hour attacking your partner while I watch.
Couples
Same-sex couples
Common law
Ages 16+
In person in Toronto
Online across Ontario
Fees and practicalities
What it costs, and what happens with insurance.
Session fee
$180Per 60-minute session
Longer sessions
90 minutesBy arrangement, rarely for a first session
Cancellation
24 hoursOtherwise the full fee applies
Receipts
RP numberIncluded for your insurer
I would not usually book 90 minutes for a first session, because I do not like committing to an hour and a half before I know what I am walking into. It is more useful around the second session, when there is a lot to get through, or later when something big has surfaced and you need room to process it. Some couples simply prefer the longer format, and I will schedule accordingly.
My receipts carry my name, address, phone number, my Registered Psychotherapist designation and my CRPO registration number. That is what most insurers ask for. The receipt goes in the name of whoever paid, unless you ask me to put it in the other name and you were both at the session. I will not put a name on a receipt for someone who was not there.
Whether your plan reimburses you depends on your employer and your policy, and some older benefit plans were never updated after Ontario regulated the profession, so it is worth checking before your first appointment.
It is a semi-detached house in Danforth Village, not an office block, and there is a doorbell rather than a buzzer. Pape station is about an eight-minute walk, and there is a bus. If you drive, there is free street parking on Dingwall or on Pape, though you may end up half a block away.
There is a cat. His name is Jacko, and I mention him on the first phone call because some people are allergic and some people simply do not want a cat in the room. If that is you, we can meet on Zoom instead. On a summer day I have also held sessions in the back garden, though I can't promise a neighbour will never hear anything.
Most of the couples who come in person live nearby, in Riverdale, Greektown, East York, Leslieville, Leaside or along the Danforth, though plenty travel across Toronto for an appointment. If you would rather meet online, that works well, and the two of you can join from two different locations, which many couples do.
“
I am not on anybody's side. I am on the side of the marriage.
Tammy Laber · Registered Psychotherapist
Common questions
Marriage counselling questions people ask before they call.
How much does marriage counselling cost in Toronto?
My sessions are $180 for 60 minutes. Ninety-minute sessions can be arranged in advance. I ask for at least 24 hours' notice to cancel or reschedule, otherwise the full fee applies. The first 15-minute phone call is free.
What happens in a first marriage counselling session?
Each of you fills in an intake form separately beforehand. I will often open by asking what each of you would want changed in your marriage if I could simply change it, and I give you both a turn. What we do next depends on the answers. Sometimes that is the presenting issue and sometimes it is conflict management, if I can see that is what is underneath. Either way the aim is that you leave with something to try before the next session.
Do you follow the same process with every couple?
No. The free phone call, the intake forms and the opening question are the constant part. After that it depends on what the two of you bring and what shows up once we start. I have tests, exercises, and family and relationship history to draw on, and which of those I use, and when, follows what I am seeing rather than a fixed running order. There is no session three where everybody gets the same assessment.
How many sessions will we need?
It depends on how serious things are and how long they have been that way. We usually start weekly, then move to every two weeks, then monthly as things improve. Some couples do a handful of sessions. Others check in every month or two for years, which is also a good outcome.
Can marriage counselling work if only one of us wants to come?
Often, yes. I give the reluctant partner room to say why they didn't want to be there, and some come round once they see I'm not on the other person's side. If your partner will not come at all, I will usually work with you alone. One person changing can still change the marriage.
Will you keep what I tell you privately from my partner?
I keep confidentiality. I also tell couples at the start that I am here for the good of the marriage, so I would rather you did not ask me to hold on to things, and if something does come to me privately I will usually look for a gentle way to bring it into the room. If I am uncomfortable carrying something, I will say so and ask what we can do about it.
Do you see couples online?
Yes, by Zoom or Doxy.me, anywhere in Ontario, and the two of you can join from two different locations if that's easier. In person sessions are at my Danforth Village office, about eight minutes from Pape station.
What are your hours?
Monday to Thursday, with appointments from nine, and Saturday mornings. I can sometimes start at eight if that helps, and my latest appointment of the day runs from six to seven. Beyond that I do not work regular evenings, though I make the occasional exception.
Where in Toronto are you located?
My office is at 36 Dingwall Avenue in Danforth Village, in east Toronto, about an eight-minute walk from Pape subway station. There is free street parking nearby on Dingwall or Pape. I also see couples online by Zoom anywhere in Ontario.
Is there a cat?
Yes. Jacko lives here and I tell everyone on the first phone call, because some people are allergic. If you would rather not share a room with a cat, we can meet on Zoom, or in the back garden in summer.
Getting started
Send me a text and tell me what is going on.
Your name, your number, and the kind of counselling you are looking for. I will call you back. I am usually reachable between eight in the morning and eight at night, and I will get back to you as soon as I am free.
If I do not pick up, it is because I am with a client, and that person has my full attention while they are in the room, exactly as you will when it is your turn.
