Sexual intimacy counselling in Toronto, for when this has become hard to talk about.
Tammy Laber, RP. Sessions take place in her Danforth Village home office, or online across Ontario.
Sex is one of the five things couples argue about most, and it is the one they are least likely to raise. If the two of you want different things, or have drifted apart, or one of you has stopped feeling comfortable in your own body, that is worth talking about properly.
Tammy Laber, Registered Psychotherapist, in Danforth Village and online across Ontario. Call or text (416) 420-0440. If saying any of this out loud feels like too much, a text is fine.
Tammy Laber, RP. Sessions take place in her Danforth Village home office, or online across Ontario.
Hourly rate$180
Charged by the hour, not per person
Who comesCouples or one of you
You do not need to bring your partner
On your receiptPsychotherapy
It does not say what we discussed
WhereToronto or online
Danforth Village, or Zoom across Ontario
How this usually comes up
Almost nobody books a Toronto counsellor solely to talk about sex.
Couples arrive about communication, or resentment, or the fact that they are arguing constantly. Some way into it, it becomes clear that sex is a significant part of what is wrong.
That happens often. It is one of the reasons I ask about it directly in marriage and pre-marriage counselling rather than waiting to be told. I will ask whether the two of you are happy with your sex life, and I will ask about frequency, because if a couple is having sex twice a year then one of them is almost certainly unhappy about it.
None of that means every problem in a relationship is really about sex. Often it runs the other way. What looks like a sexual problem turns out to have started somewhere else entirely, and that is usually good news, because it means there is something to work with.
What this can help with
When sex has become a source of distance rather than closeness.
These are the things people actually bring me. Not one of them is unusual, whatever it feels like from inside your own relationship.
01
One of you wants it more
The most common reason people come. Usually there is something underneath it worth understanding.
02
You have drifted apart
Not a row, not a crisis. It has simply been a long time and neither of you knows how to start again.
03
Shame, or not liking your body
One of you will only undress in the dark. The other does not understand why. Both of you feel judged.
04
You cannot talk about it
Every attempt turns into a row, or into silence, so you have both stopped trying.
05
You want different things
Different levels of openness, different interests, different ideas of what is normal.
06
Pornography has become an issue
Whether it is the use itself, what it means, or the fact that you disagree about where the line is.
07
Something happened in the past
Where earlier experiences are affecting how safe or comfortable physical intimacy feels now.
08
Your body is changing
Perimenopause, menopause, just getting older, and the emotional side of how a health change or a medication is affecting the two of you.
Different levels of desire
A mismatch in desire is rarely only about desire.
This is the single most common thing couples bring me on this subject, and it is usually the most workable.
When one partner wants sex more often than the other, the difference itself is not the whole problem. It is what sits underneath it.
Very often it is resentment. One of you has been carrying more than your share for a long time, or something was said months ago that never got resolved. When you are in pain, desire is the first thing to go. Sometimes it is expectation, where each of you quietly assumed a different normal and neither ever said so. Sometimes one of you has stopped feeling wanted, and has withdrawn rather than risk being turned down again.
Take the resentment out and the desire difference often looks completely different.
All of that is communication, expectation and resentment. It is ordinary relationship work, and it is squarely what I am trained to do.
Shame and body image
A good deal of this work is helping people feel all right about themselves.
Some of what stops couples is not between them at all. It is one person carrying shame about sex, or about their own body, that they have had since long before this relationship.
I see couples where one partner will only undress in the dark and the other is perfectly comfortable in their own skin. Neither is wrong. But if it is never discussed, the comfortable one reads it as rejection and the uncomfortable one feels judged, and both of them are miserable about something neither has named.
Much of what I do here is straightforward. Helping someone become less ashamed of their own sexuality. Helping them like their body a bit more, or at least stop fighting it. Helping them get comfortable enough to say what they want without feeling they are asking for something disgraceful. Sometimes I will suggest a book or an exercise if that would be useful.
Talking about it
You are not going to shock me.
You decide how explicit this gets. I will follow you there, and I will not be the one who gets uncomfortable.
People worry about embarrassing themselves, or about saying something that will make me think less of them. In more than fifteen years it has not happened yet.
Clients have raised sexual orientation, cross-dressing, what they are and are not interested in, toys, pornography, erectile difficulties and a good deal else. None of it made me run from the room. I know enough about these subjects to discuss them properly.
I will not raise a topic for you. If there is something you want to talk about, you can bring it up in whatever words you have, and we will go at whatever pace you want. If there is something you would rather not discuss, that is also fine.
Rebuilding closeness
I work sex adjacent, not sex technical.
For a lot of couples the honest starting point is not sex at all. It is being comfortable in the same room again.
If the two of you have been distant for a long time, going straight at your sex life tends not to work. What often helps more is rebuilding the ordinary physical closeness that disappeared first, before anybody noticed it was going.
So the things I might suggest between sessions are deliberately low pressure. A shower together with no expectation attached to it. Learning how to give each other a proper massage. Simply being physically close again. For some couples even lying together with no clothes on and no agenda is further than they have been in a very long time, and that is where we start.
I am not going to hand you a set of technical sexual exercises. That is not what I do, and if that is what you need, I will say so and help you find the right person.
When the body changes
Perimenopause, menopause and medication.
Bodies change, and so does desire. I have worked with a good many women going through perimenopause and menopause who were struggling with reduced desire, or with physical changes like dryness, and who had no idea how ordinary any of it was. I have been through menopause myself, so it is not an abstraction to me.
Medication matters too. My intake form asks what you are taking, and if sexual difficulties come up I will ask more, because some antidepressants can affect desire and some blood pressure medications can affect erectile function.
What I will not do is advise you on any of that. I am not a doctor. If something physical or medication-related may be playing a part, I will suggest you raise it with your physician, because that is their judgement to make rather than mine. We carry on with the part that is mine, which is what sex can look like and how the two of you are handling it between you.
Other things people bring
Pornography, earlier experiences, and who you are.
Pornography in a relationship
Sometimes the issue is the use itself. More often it is that the two of you disagree about where the line sits, or about what it means that it is happening at all. I am comfortable working through that, including with couples who want to talk about whether watching something together is something they both actually want.
Where I recommend reading, it is proper educational material written by qualified people, not whatever comes up first in a search.
When something happened earlier
Earlier experiences, including abuse, can shape how safe physical intimacy feels years later. I have a substantial background working with childhood abuse and childhood sexual abuse, and it is work I take seriously and carefully. If that is part of your picture, say so at the start and we will go at a pace you set.
Whoever you are, and however your relationship is arranged
I have worked with a great many same-sex couples. I have worked with clients who are polyamorous, non-monogamous, or who have tried an open arrangement. I am not going to tell you what your relationship should look like, and I am not going to refuse the conversation because of your preferences. That is your business. Mine is helping the people in it understand each other.
Being straight with you
Where my scope ends, and what I will do about it.
I am not a certified sex therapist. I have extensive knowledge and a lot of experience in this area, but I do not delve into sexual difficulties caused by medical problems.
What I work with
Differences in desire between partners
Resentment, expectation and communication about sex
Cases where the first few conversations are not helping
That last one matters as much as the rest. If we have a few conversations about a sexual difficulty and it is not moving, I would rather tell you honestly and help you find someone better suited than carry on with work that is outside what I am trained for.
Referring you on is not me declining to talk about something. I am perfectly willing to discuss any of it. It is a judgement about who is best placed to help, and I would rather make that judgement early than late.
Not sure whether this is the right place to bring it?
Ring or text and describe it in whatever words you have. If I do not think I am appropriate for your situation, I would rather tell you that on the phone than after you have paid for a session.
What it costs in Toronto, and what appears on paper.
Hourly rate
$180Per 60-minute session
Two of you
Same priceCharged by the hour, not per person
On your own
WelcomeYou do not need to bring a partner
Cancellation
24 hoursOtherwise the full fee applies
People ask what ends up in writing, so here it is plainly. My receipts carry my name, address, phone number, my Registered Psychotherapist designation and my CRPO registration number, which is what insurers ask for. They say that you attended psychotherapy. They do not say what we talked about.
Whether your plan reimburses you depends on your employer and your policy, so it is worth checking before your first appointment.
Sessions are at my office on Dingwall Avenue in Danforth Village, in east Toronto, about eight minutes from Pape station, or online by Zoom anywhere in Ontario. If you are coming as a couple you can join an online session from two different places, which some people prefer for a first conversation about this.
It is relationship counselling focused on the sexual side of a relationship. Differences in desire, lost closeness, shame, body confidence, difficulty talking about sex, and the resentment or expectation that often sits underneath those. It is talking work, not medical treatment.
Are you a sex therapist?
No. I am a Registered Psychotherapist and I am not a certified sex therapist. I have extensive knowledge and a lot of experience with the relationship side of sexual difficulties. Sexual difficulties caused by medical problems are outside my scope and I refer those on.
Can counselling help if we have different sex drives?
Often it does, because the difference itself is rarely the whole problem. Underneath it there is often resentment that has built up, an expectation neither of you said out loud, or one partner who has stopped feeling wanted. That is relationship work and it is what I do.
What if I am too embarrassed to talk about it?
Most people are, at first. You decide how much detail we go into and how fast. I will not raise a topic for you, and nothing you say is going to shock me. If it is easier to send a text than to say it on the phone, do that.
Can I come on my own, without my partner?
Yes. I see individuals about this as well as couples. Men who are embarrassed about erectile difficulties, women with very low desire, people struggling with shame or with how their body has changed. The fee is the same either way, because I charge by the hour rather than per person.
Do you treat erectile dysfunction, vaginismus or pain during sex?
No. Treating those needs medical or sexual-health care and I refer that on. What I do work with is the embarrassment and the distance that grows around them. I am perfectly willing to discuss them with you, and if one of those is the main issue I will tell you early and help you find the right person rather than taking on work I am not trained for.
Can medication or menopause affect this?
Yes. Some antidepressants can affect desire and some blood pressure medications can affect erectile function, and perimenopause and menopause bring their own changes. I will ask about medication, but I am not a doctor and I will not advise you on it. I will suggest you raise it with your physician while we work on how the two of you are handling it together.
Do you work with same-sex or non-monogamous couples?
Yes to both. I have worked with a great many same-sex couples, and with clients who are polyamorous or non-monogamous or have tried an open arrangement. I am not going to tell you what your relationship should look like or refuse the conversation because of your preferences.
Can past abuse affect intimacy now?
It can, often years later, and it is common. I have a substantial background working with childhood abuse and childhood sexual abuse. Tell me at the outset that it is relevant and we will go at a pace you set.
Will my receipt say what we discussed?
No. Receipts show that you attended psychotherapy, with my name, address, Registered Psychotherapist designation and CRPO registration number. They do not name the subject of the sessions.
Getting started
Send me a text and tell me what is going on.
Your name, your number, and the kind of counselling you are looking for. I will call you back. I am usually reachable between eight in the morning and eight at night, and I will get back to you as soon as I am free.
If I do not pick up, it is because I am with a client, and that person has my full attention while they are in the room, exactly as you will when it is your turn.
